If I told you, you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me? Ok maybe not so original, but clever just the same. Have you ever been a victim of a bad pick up line, or worse yet perpetuated one? If you have ever stepped foot in a bar, I would imagine you have. Now, maybe we are not talking the same sleazy pick-up lines so frequently projected at woman by men in straight bars, but I have to admit some of those show a little more creativity, than those spewed at me from other woman.

I remember years back woman would simply just approach with “would you like to dance”? , Back then the creativity was in the hands of the rejecter. Today it seems this is no longer appropriate, as I have rarely been the subject of this direct approach. It seems there are only 2 types of approaches used today, the one where you physically get dragged to the dance floor, and the other, variations of indirect innuendo.

Let me site a few recent examples. The other night I was sitting alone at a table at a local gay bar, doing what I do best, amusing at all the going’s on around me, when a woman (at least I think she was) I had observed sitting at the next table directly in front of me approached with an opening line of “you look familiar, is your name Pam?” Startled by her lack of creativity and knowing that I had danced with her before, which she seemed to have forgotten, I simply responded “No, Sorry”. She then proceeded to tell me I looked like someone named Pam, get this, because of my hair, she explained but now that she sees me from the front she noticed we had different facial structures. Ok so where do you go with that, do you engage in conversation about Pam’s facial structure, and how we differ or do you politely giggle “oh, isn’t that a coincidence” as if you never heard that “you look familiar line before”, and the capper before she gets up to leave she say’s “want to dance later?” I’m thinking yeah we just had a wonderfully enticing conversation, let’s dance……...not.

The Next approach I have to admit was even more original, “Hi, she says, Are you a Nurse”, As I look down at my attire, thinking am I wearing scrubs, or is it that nurturing look in my eyes, I responded “No”, at that point she offered no explanation as to why she thought I was a nurse, I was sitting on egg shells waiting to hear it, it never came, not even an attempt, not even you look like a nurse named Pam that I know, or at least your hair does, no nothing, no explanation at all just “would you like to dance?” Again I was so moved, I could barely feel my feet touching the floor in anticipation…..not.

The endless night continues, Tap, Tap Tap on my shoulder, turning slowly, fearing a mad( and I mean the cow disease kind of mad) ex or something standing behind me, there she is miss lovely with a half smoken butt hanging from her lips, “do you have a light?” The useful approach I am thinking, that works, I light her Cigarette, she takes a puff and in Marilyn Monroe Fashion puts it out in my ashtray, after she removes her breast from my face, she say’s “you Look Bored, Let’s dance”. If she only knew how bored I anticipated her making me, she would have left her breast in her halter-top.

After these three failed attempts at peaking my interest, I had decided it was because I was sitting alone at a table, I must have been projecting that “I am desperate, I will dance with anyone, please rescue me look again”. So I moved to a corner near the dance floor and tried to look busy, as much as you can standing by yourself. Here she comes again the “Nurse” woman, I knew I had given her too much of a glimmer of hope, with my “I don’t really feel like dancing right now” answer. I guess I deserved it, a second request for dancing was imminent, it must have been that charming conversation we had that brought her back. After a few inane sentenced shared, Another woman walked up in between us with a Bud Light in her hand, and said “your beer looked empty, so I bought you another one”, as I am standing there with a beer in my hand wondering how she could see through the can, I found myself strangely amused at the approach, not to mention the beer, and for the rest of the evening at least, she captured my interest and my dances as well.

Ok, so your wondering what’s my line, thinking I must be a clever one. I have to say honestly I simply prefer the direct approach,
“Hi, How Are you” with a informal name introduction. I know this may seem almost alien like to most of you, but I have to say I used it once in recent months and have met a good friend, whom I’ve come to know quite well through e-mails, but somehow I can’t stop thinking, if I told her she had a beautiful body, she may be holding it against me right now, and all of you would be reading the horoscopes.