The Lesbian Mid-life Crisis

I’m not a doctor. Or a psychologist, psychiatrist, or sociologist either. I’m obviously not qualified to delve into this subject at all. Nonetheless I feel compelled to explore the symptoms, causes, effects and hopefully some possible cures of this woeful state of mind that can cause such irrational behavior in us, while we spend all of our waking hours in denial of it’s very existence.

Mid-life crisis. Why is this on my mind? Well, the thing is, I think I might be having one. I really didn’t think I could be old enough. How old am I? Wait, let me think. Not how old do I feel, but my actual age? That would be 43. Hmmmmmm. If I was having a mid-life crisis of some sort, that would set my life expectancy at 86. I guess that’s about right. I mean seriously, how much older than that do I want to live to be anyway?

So I guess this got me to thinking: What and when do you hear about this? It’s usually applied to men who have all of a sudden started having affairs with their young secretaries, and more than likely have recently traded in the family van for a snazzy little sports car. They’ll say they just wanted a change, or that they were never really all that happy to begin with. Since everyone knows men aren’t all that in touch with their feelings anyway, it’s pretty much accepted and I think even expected as soon as they begin to lose their hair.

So, what is it with women? Lesbians? How does it manifest itself? How do we handle it? I’ll admit when I was younger I was attracted to older women, but now I have no desire whatsoever in hooking up with anyone older than I am. This must be a symptom, right. Not much you can do about what you’re attracted to though, is there. O.K. so let’s talk about some other symptoms we might be able to identify.

First things first. Since appearance is key to most women, go to the hair salon. Go directly to the hair salon. Get rid of the grays! Even if you’re not yet having your crisis, you should do this. You can say: “You’re as young as you feel” all you want, but the mirror will tell you the truth if you take the time to look. And don’t forget, this is what other people are seeing when they look at you. This is a cause, and one you can rectify before it’s too late. Now if you wait until it’s too late and you find yourself smack in the middle of your crisis you’ll have to apply some damage control, but here’s where you’ve got to be very careful. If you leave work saying you need a change and come in the next day with purple spikes, everyone’s going to know just how severe your situation is. This becomes a cry for help, which could actually turn out to be a good thing, though. You’ll quickly find out who your real friends are…

Keeping with this line of thought, there’s always… the face-lift. I’m not a big fan of the face-lift. I think they come back to haunt you later. There’s plenty of gradual complexion enhancing solutions out there that won’t scare you when you look at your reflection in 10 years. You can get rid of some of the wrinkles, whiten up your teeth and lose the veins that have suddenly, mysteriously appeared on your legs, thus raising your self-esteem without compromising your general health.

How about your relationship? This aspect doesn’t concern me at the moment since I’ve been single for a few years and have nobody to put through the ringer. I’m lucky because unfortunately this isn’t usually the case. Many a significant other have been left in the dust. I think a little honesty goes a long way in not hurting the ones you love.

Do you hate your job? Need a change of scenery in the workplace? This is also something you can change. There’s no law saying you have to stay in the same job for life. Maybe taking a chance is good if it will improve your day to day attitude. Don’t do this without some serious thought, though. You shouldn’t run away and join the circus just because it’s something you always thought would be fun to do! Keeping your future financial security in mind is a good idea so that you won’t be sleeping in your car in case you live to be 110.

All you younger girls out there are laughing, aren’t you? Well, let me point out that not everyone lives to be 110, or 86. Still laughing? I didn’t think so. It’s my theory that no-one is without a mid-life crisis. If you’re one of these types that likes to live on the edge, or maybe you’re just not all that healthy, then it’s not out of the realm of possibility you could have yours as early as your 20’s. Hah! Think about that for a minute. Even if you’re not, you can always blame all of your erratic behavior on it. Not a bad excuse, is it?

Since there’s no way out of this, I guess we’ve got to try and look at the bright side. The women that survive, usually come out of their mid-life crisis with a better understanding of themselves. This is what I’m told anyway. Either that or they end up turning into someone completely different and run off to find a new life in another time zone. This also could be a good thing. Whatever works for YOU…

So, is there a fix? In this day of there being a diagnosis and associated remedy for every little sneeze, lump, bump, bruise, change of temperature and emotion, you can’t tell me that estrogen is the only answer. For one thing, that would be admitting the mid-life crisis was nothing more than the “change of life”. Please… every day brings changes in our lives. The real key, I think has got to be just enjoying yourself, and avoiding as much stress as possible. Have some fun, and don’t wait to do it. My favorite quote? “Never pass up the opportunity for a joy-ride.”

And maybe doing it in a nice new flashy little convertible isn’t such a bad idea. I guess it really doesn’t matter whether we’re men, women, straight or gay either, does it?