Telling the Truth

By Cindy Stein ©

Friends and/or Lovers

There are so many circumstances involving different combinations of friends and/or lovers, and decisions we make along the way that make or break our relationships. Some catch us by surprise, some we should see coming and some we only figure out in retrospect. Learning from the experiences and ensuing advice of others could help immensely, but unfortunately most of us think we’re special, impervious to all that’s happened before and therefore doomed to make our own mistakes.

Like for instance, can you have two lovers at the same time? Sure you can, and there’s even a couple ways to do it. You can be a complete sleazebag and not let either of them know what you’re up to, or you could attempt the ‘open-relationship’ concept. Good luck there. These are women you’re dealing with. Either way, it’s over as soon as you cry out the wrong name at the wrong time to the wrong girl.

Friends and lovers, can you be both? The best couples are. They’re the ones that last. They’re the ones that, even if it doesn’t last forever are lucky enough to walk away with a little more than just the memories of an ex-lover. How do you get to be both? Unless you’re incredibly lucky, kismet and all that, one has to come before the other. Seems to me that most lesbian couples come flying out of the gate at warp speed. You meet and find yourself in some kind of relationship before you really know a whole lot about each other. I guess that might go a long way in explaining why the average lesbian relationship only lasts until the initial lust wears off.

Can you be friends after you’re done being lovers? Seems everybody wants to be. Maybe it proves that you haven’t wasted your time? This is a tangent leading to a completely different story, but I think for now it will suffice to say that if your love was real at all, you’ll find a way to salvage a friendship out of it.

Can you become lovers after you’ve been friends? This doesn’t seem to happen that often. Is there a statute of limitations that runs out on friends and closes that door? What about the line? The one that we’re all afraid to cross because we’ve always been told that it will ruin everything? (And where ‘is’ the line, anyway? Is it between the stocking and the skin as Suzanne Vega suggests?). The world isn’t flat. We’re not going to fall off the edge of the Earth and be left dangling in mid-air holding onto that line for dear life because we’ve crossed over it. What if it’s to a better place? What if it works? Maybe it’s the answer. Think about the advantages. There’s got to be something sweet about making love to someone that you already truly respect, like and care about. You already know each other and what you’re each looking for.

Whether it was a conscious decision to take things to the next level, or if it just happened in the course of the push comes to shove, comes to touch, comes to love, if it doesn’t work out you’ll know right away, and you know the path you took to get there so it’s an easy trip back. No harm done.

How about going out with your best friend’s lover? Bad idea. Find your own date. I don’t care how attractive she is and how attracted to her you are, it’s the fastest known way on the face of the Earth to lose your best friend. Equally as bad an idea is that of going out with your lover’s best friend. I’m not sure how ex’s could figure in here.

Can you occasionally sleep with your best friend without having an actual relationship commitment? This can be fun, and a good challenge, as long as you’re able to keep things light. If you’re a Seinfeld fan you’ll remember that Jerry and Elaine couldn’t do it, but they still ended up friends, so it might not be a total loss.

Can you have a lover and a status quo best friend? Best of both worlds, wouldn’t that be nice? Unfortunately, this too can be difficult, especially when dealing with women. A number of things can happen, but the most likely scenario is that inevitably the jealous new girlfriend, who never really understood and accepted the bond between you and your best friend, is going to start wanting more and more of your time. Time that your selfish best friend, who’s likely feeling a bit left out isn’t willing to part with. Unless one of them walks away first, you, the one in the middle who thought she could have it all, is then either forced to choose one over the other, which sucks because you really do care for them both, or you’ll get tired of trying to please everyone and say: “To Hell with both of you bitches, I just want my life to be my own again!” It all depends on who gives in or gives up first, but the chances of you all hanging out as a tight, happy little threesome for any length of time are slim.

Threesomes…Hmmmmmm? Could be interesting. Could be fun. Could be scary. I have no experience and very little insight to this course of action, so you’re on your own there.

I guess when it comes down to it we’re on our own everywhere. But look at all the options we’ve got available at our disposal. O.K., disposal may not the best word to use when talking about people, but my point is that as a rule, people do what feels right to them at the time. We can only hope for the best, and if our intuition fails us and things go south, hope the damage isn’t permanent. If our intentions are good, we surround ourselves by people that are real, and we tell the truth our chances of coming through any of these hypothetical (yet constantly occurring) situations relatively intact are greatly increased. So, have fun and Good Luck!