Lesbian Neurotica

by Jill Hudon

It is unfortunate how much, "Lesbian Neurotica" sounds like , "Lesbian Erotica" over the telephone. Had I recognized the former in the sultry voice of the woman whose personal ad I was responding to , I would have hung -the-fuck-up and saved myself a hell-of-a-lot more than just the $1.98 per minute fee. What I heard: "Hi, this is Tracy. I'm into Lesbian Erotica and I love to play games late at night. You won't want to sleep. I'm a former calendar girl who will drive you crazy with desire. Leave a message and I'll call you back A.S.A.P.!" What She Said: "Hi, this is Tracy. I'm into Lesbian Neurotica and I love to play head-games late at night. You won't be able to sleep( because I'll call you at least five times, hang -up the first three and then leave two miserable messages that'll make you wish you had an Anne Rule novel for comfort). I'm a current poster-child for personality disorders, who will drive you crazy with the desire to kill me. Leave a message and I will call you back s-u-c-k-e-r ! " I suppose anyone could have mistaken her slurred speech for a sultry voice but I really should've had a clue when she said, "I shit for hours reading sad poetry". Of course I imagine this woman in her bathroom reading rhymes about fish and I wonder exactly what kind of erotica she's into. I consider calling my friend Rose , who is a connoisseur of Lesbian Erotica, to find out what the hell this woman is talking about. Having never been one to willingly expose my own lack of knowledge, I opt not to call her and instead I look through my collector's series of Boston Girl Guide, (which Rose publishes), in search of fantasy images that include toilets and trout. Finding none I offer a silent "Thank You" to Rose and unplug my phone.