I’ve watched you over the last few months often in wonder. Most of the time, you hide your confusion to the rest of the world. Every now and then, there is a sigh or a moment of reflection that allows one who knows you intimately to see beyond your facade and into your soul. And in those moments, I’ve watched you change and watched you skate away from me as fast as you could bear. I’ve watched you come back to me repeatedly because you had nowhere else to go or you needed the comfort of someone who loved you without question. I’ve watched you recreate your life without me in it. The realization startled me because I’ve seen it happening. I knew it was coming. Now that it’s here, I’m not sure how to feel. Or if I need to feel anything at all.

You might not even realize that you’ve done it. Can you ever really calculate the moment when you actually end a relationship? Can you say yesterday at 2:17 p.m., I made a clean break from the chains of the past and walked upright without the burden of what was lost or what will never be? I know for us it’s taken months, almost a year since you voiced your doubts in a flurry of rage that blind sided me in the land of paradise. That was December. It’s the middle of November now.

It’s so surprising to watch someone you’ve taken into your heart grow and change, especially when the direction of growth is away from you not toward you. Despite the fact that it’s incredibly painful, it’s also joyful and hopeful. I have wished for you a lifetime of happiness and success, and most of all, love. Now that I know you won’t get those things with me, I still wish them for you. What has surprised me more is the change in me as well. I thought that I would always stagger under the weight of the torch that I carried for you. In my own moments of self-discovery, I’ve let the light from that torch start to sputter and have neglected it. It’s starting to struggle for life and its last ember is beginning to fade. In a moment of sheer amazement, I realized that I didn’t need it anymore.

What we had was amazing. It was pure and honest and a journey that blessed my life. However, it’s over. I could never say that I didn’t love you, because I did. I still do. But I love you in a way that has a past but no future. I love you in a way that wants you to get everything you richly deserve in your life without bearing any of those gifts. I love you in a way that is completely ready to let you go.

I hope that I can continue to watch you grow and change and find your own path in this confusing world. You will forever be a part of my life and a part of my heart. It’s with equal parts joy and sadness that I voice my realization - you are my past and somewhere out in front of me is my future. This is a moment of epiphany where I put the memory of you in a place that allows me to still love you while living my life without you and opening myself to love someone else. I believe that I will miss you, but I know that we’re both better off.