I don’t where my life is heading. I don’t know what I want out of a relationship. Hell, I don’t even know what I want out of myself. I don’t know what to write in this column. This is starting to turn into a Seinfeld episode - a column about nothing. I don’t know where my heart is taking me or where it will settle. I don’t know what my true purpose for taking up space on this planet is. I don’t know what I’m going to have for lunch. You’re starting to get the picture.

What do I know? Well, I guess I know about change. I know about making difficult choices even when the immediate costs are overpoweringly evident and the long-term rewards are not. I know about taking the road less traveled simply because it’s in your character to do so. I know about observing those around me and seeing both good and bad in each person and situation. I know that I don’t know a lot about life, love, people, relationships, but I think we covered that already.

I try to learn the lessons that life is offering. I said I tried. I’m not always successful. I have to learn things the hard way; and always, it seems, way too late to spare myself the repercussions. All of what I do not know has brought me to a crossroad in my life.
The roads laid out before me were either stay stagnant or to dare uncharted territories.

So, I set out onto unfamiliar earth and trudged into places new and untouched. Oddly enough, I have found many people traveling this road with me. Much like Canterbury Tales, we’ve shared stories of debauchery, love, loss and heedless warnings. I have laughed, cried, loved and lost along with my fellow travelers in the camaraderie of the road.

Recently, I sat down my bags, looked around and wondered, “Well, I’m here. Now what?” I sometimes feel lonely for the companionship of change. I often miss the wind blowing in my hair. I ache for the feeling of freedom that consumed me when I had nowhere to go. Now that I’ve passes beyond the crossroad, where do I go? What do I do?

It’s taken me awhile to realize that just because I moved forward, I haven’t necessarily moved on. I still feel the strings of a past I had thought I had left behind. I still yearn for the connection of lover’s lost despite the fact that even though they enervated my body, they robbed my soul. I don’t necessarily miss the people themselves, but the companionship.

Maybe I miss the idea of what being in a relationship could bring me. Possibly I am infatuated with the idea of having something I have yet to experience. Definitely, I miss the comfort, especially since being here is uncomfortable, unnerving and unpredictable. I do not know what I will or should do next.

However, it turns out that all of what I do not know has taken me on a fantastic journey. I have met some amazing people. I have put myself in some impossible situations. I have learned to laugh, to love, to lose with what I hope is a touch of grace. I used to believe that I had to have all the answers and know where I was going and what I was going to do and how I was going to get there. Now I realize that the journey is the destination and even though I do not know where the road leads, it still feels like home.